Tag: listening

Resolved: We need to be able to have dialogues and debates

Posted on by Amalia Cochran MD

With my recent post encouraging us to seek the Other, it seems like an important time to dive into debate and dialogue as tools we use in communication. One of these is, by definition, a better way to deeply listen to someone with a different viewpoint.

Quick question for you: What comes to mind with dialogue?

I personally tend to think of open mindedness, seeking common ground, and a willingness to change in belief or action based upon what one hears.  I see dialogue as not being zero-sum.

What about debate?

It feels more confrontational, critical, difference-based, focused on winning and losing.  Debate is usually VERY zero-sum.

We know that one of these things is the place we should go when we’re dealing with people and ideas who are different from us.  But dialogue requires a lot of work. And energy. And attention.

Is debate inherently “bad”? Definitely not, and it can be used very effectively.  If you’ve been given the opportunity to argue a side in a pro/con that you don’t agree with, you know how much you learned (and that you possibly changed your mind afterwards!)

Fostering dialogue within a group, however, improves inclusion.  It helps us make better collective decisions. In the most dramatic situations, it helps foster peace.

Clearly this is the extreme, idealized version of deep listening.

However, if I think about the times when I have sincerely tried to listen like Thay describes, I have learned so much about myself, about others, about the world.

From a more business-based perspective, it is possible to foster deep dialogue among team members using a collection of tools.

And if you’re wondering, yes, one of my 2017 goals is to work on my deep listening.  I would challenge you to join me. I would also challenge you to help keep me accountable on the days when I’m struggling.

 

 

 

Do you hear what I hear?

Posted on by Amalia Cochran MD

Listen.

What do you hear around you right now?

I’m standing in the Sky Club in Atlanta on a day of complete travel meltdown for Delta, and here’s what I hear around me right now:

  • Some dude-bro behind me on the phone having a conversation I don’t understand most of.  Yes, it’s in English.  Sort of.
  • A low-level cacophony of other voices from all over the room.
  • A three year old telling an awesome story to her Mom.
  • Ice being scooped into glasses at the bar.  Glasses clattering.
  • Flip flops and luggage wheels of someone walking by.
  • Jet engines.
  • Laughing teenage girls over in the corner (see, the flight delays are fun for SOMEONE!).
  • Rustling of papers.
  • Clicking of the keys on my computer keyboard.
  • The “meep” of desk agents checking people in.

I try to do something like this as an exercise at least once a day by really focusing on all of the sounds that I hear around me. It’s often something I do in the mornings when I’m out walking with Olivia, and I do consider it a form of meditation to just focus on all of the sounds that are there.  It forces me to really, deeply listen to what is going on around me.

It’s want to believe that deep listening in my environment is transferrable to those times when I need to have serious conversations, be it with colleagues or with patients and families. It forces me to focus on that one sense and on the things that are around me, and when I’m in a quiet room with one or two other people, it allows me to move past all of the possible distractions that are out there.

We all have heard so much advice about how to be a great listener (in the interpersonal sense), and a recent HBR article indicates that pretty much everything that we’ve all learned is just plain WRONG.  Good listening involves asking critical questions, building self-esteem, having give and take, and making meaningful suggestions.  That idea that you get to passively nod and smile and be considered a good listener?  Nope.  It’s not that at all.  It’s much, much more challenging than that because it requires not just listening but communicating effectively.

One of the aspects of the article that I particularly appreciated was the idea of levels of proficiency in listening. Since we all almost certainly overestimate how good of a listener we are, the levels in the article give us a guide for our listening aspirations.

And perhaps the one piece of advice for Level 6 is the most important part of being a good listener- it is NOT about you.  Easy to say, and again, hard to do.

I challenge you to listen differently this week in just one little way.  Maybe it’s ignoring your phone while you’re in a meeting or having coffee. Maybe it’s staying curious about something you are being told and being brave enough to ask a question. Maybe it really is “just” listening and expressing support for someone in a challenge they want to take on.

And that listening exercise we started with?  Highly recommended. It can be fascinating.